{Discouraged Soul}

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To you, LORD, I call;
you are my Rock,
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
Psalm 28:1-2

There is a feeling of anticipation that swells up in me and I wait for news on a pending decision. 

Yes?  No?

Will I be chosen?  Or not?

My mind can hardly concentrate for days, thinking of the excitement that might be around the corner.  This could be it!  Finally, what I’ve been waiting for! 

Every time I hear my email *ding* on my phone, I grab it to scroll anxiously through the messages to see if there is an answer. 

And then the day comes.

I read with excitement, until I realize…the answer is no.

Not me.  Not this time.  Will I ever be chosen? 

Suddenly, instead of feeling my breath quicken with excitement, I feel crushed.  I feel a hole in the pit of my stomach.   I feel like there is a knot there, like I’ve been punched.  Perhaps irrationally so, but I feel dejected. 

I’m not devastated, but it’s definitely more than simple disappointment. I’m discouraged. 

Not many options available right now.  No lights at the end of the tunnel.  It’s tough.  I know my faith is being tested, but this testing has been going on for a long time.  

Years.   

I know God has a plan.  I know He sees me here.  He sees my tears; He knows my pain and frustration.  But it doesn’t change the fact that the situation remains the same…yet I must remain strong.  Faithful.  Committed. 

So here I am, clinging strongly to words like Faith. 

Sovereignty.  Grace.  Sufficiency. 

Praying I can be a faithful servant in the midst of trial.

Trusting that my Lord will see me through to the other side, all in His perfect timing.  Even though my eyes are blinded to His plan… 

My flesh is discouraged, but His truth and promises are etched on my heart. 

I keep believing that some day I will have a different story to tell, and a new journey will have begun.  But until then, I keep on trudging, sometimes slowly, but ever moving forward.  The climb is steep at times, but I know who is helping me, and He will never let go of my hand.

I will wait patiently for the Lord.  He will hear by cry, and lift me up from the miry clay.  He will set my feet on a solid rock.  He will put a new song in my mouth, which will be a hymn of praise to my God.

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