The house is quiet. A bowl of Chinese take-out is hot and steamy next to me on the desk. Words have been writing themselves in my head for weeks but I just now have the time to put them into order and get them on paper.
The last several weeks have been a journey. And here I am. Happy. Alive. Excited. The light at the end of the tunnel has finally come, and God has brought my safely to the other side. I know why I had to go through the things that I have, but my thankfulness is overflowing as that season passes and He brings me to a new one.
It has been over a month since my last blog post. The absence wasn’t intentional, but so much has happened and my time to spend on the Internet has greatly decreased. I check my email daily and that is about it these days.
On December 12, I posted about discouragement. You can read it here. God knew my heart, the aching of my soul, and that I felt I couldn’t take the strain of my current situation any longer. I was wearing out…emotionally, physically, mentally.
Without airing loads of dirty laundry, let me just say that my work environment for the past several years wasn’t exactly ideal. We were thankful for the job, don’t get me wrong, but the atmosphere that surrounded that job was hostile, to put it mildly. The years I was there brought me extreme anxiety, stress beyond anything I have ever experienced, and the continuous threat of office “explosions” left an ever-present knot in my stomach.
During the first couple of years, my self-esteem and confidence in my abilities took quite a beating, as well as my personal worth. The best way to describe it is to say I felt like a piece of gum that had been chewed up, spit out, and was now stuck to the bottom of somebody’s shoe to be continually walked on. My husband was a constant encouragement, always praying with and for me. He helped me fight the negativity I was continually surrounded with, always pointing me towards Christ. I read, prayed, and cried out to God. I learned to start each day praying as I walked into the office, pleading that no matter what happened I would find my strength and self-worth in Him.
This place had become my personal battleground. Every victory belonged to the Lord, but every day, and often every moment, was a fight. Through it all, I can honestly say that I saw His grace poured out constantly. Big ways, little ways, it was His droplets of grace that brought me through. Over and over I would recite in my head “if God is for me, who can be against me?” He was always enough, but I was wearing thin. There were days that I would come home and cry for hours, truly not knowing if I would have the strength to make it back in the next day.
This place had become my personal battleground. Every victory belonged to the Lord, but every day, and often every moment, was a fight. Through it all, I can honestly say that I saw His grace poured out constantly. Big ways, little ways, it was His droplets of grace that brought me through. Over and over I would recite in my head “if God is for me, who can be against me?” He was always enough, but I was wearing thin. There were days that I would come home and cry for hours, truly not knowing if I would have the strength to make it back in the next day.
But God had a plan, and it wasn’t until the end of December that He was finished with having me there. I knew when the time had come, and the right door was opened for me to walk through. He made it clear. But things happened while I was there.
God made me stronger.
God taught me to see the good side of people, no matter who they were.
God helped me to care about the very people that were the cause of my agony. He gave me the strength to pray for them…..when in my own flesh, I certainly wasn’t thinking thoughts of great kindness towards them (yes, this took a while to overcome!!).
God kept me on my knees….trusting…praying…waiting…
God changed me while I was there.
And when He was done with those lessons, He moved me on.
Through circumstances that only God himself could ordain, I was made aware of a local company looking to hire for a position that I was more than qualified for. A friend submitted my resume, and a couple days later an interview was scheduled.
Within five days, I was offered the job, and late that afternoon I turned in my resignation, giving the standard two-week notice. It was a moment I had dreamed of for over two years. It was finally here. The light I had been searching for.
There are days when it’s still hard to believe it’s really true. I’m really somewhere else. No more feeling physically ill on Sunday night, knowing that Monday is only a few hours away. No more coming home in tears, being sleep deprived due to work stress, or constantly having to question the ethics behind what I was being asked to do. No more being surrounded with yelling, cussing, and accusatory people who were shameless trying to climb their way to the top, not caring who they kicked, tripped, or knocked over on their way. It’s over.
I’m free.
I took a week off to rejuvenate myself. I needed to sleep….time to unwind. Detox from where I’d been for so long. Nine days of reprogramming myself. Telling myself that it was all over and I didn’t have to dread tomorrow anymore. No more fighting the desire to simply wish away Monday thru Friday and live for Saturday. Now I could enjoy each day for what it was, what it brought, and what God had in store.
Friday will end the third week at my new job. I thank God every day for this gift. I have yet to find words that accurately describe the extent of my relief, joy, and thankfulness for this new season of life. God’s timing is perfect, and it was a wonderful way to begin a new year.
One Sunday at church we recently sang the song "Never Once” by Matt Redman. My guess is that if we did a raise of hands, several of you would probably know it.
As we were singing, I was struck by these lyrics. They were telling my story…my journey. They were articulating so many of the feelings that I hadn’t quite been able to put into words. There have been scars and struggles on the way, but I’ve been carried by His constant grace and my heart can say that He has been faithful every step of the way. I have never walked alone….He has never left me on my own.
By Grace Alone I stand,
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